Is it Possible to be Too Nice? (Aka Vegans Suck)

Last night I attended a holiday party. Now this shindig wasn’t fancy, everyone was supposed to contribute something, which is no big deal. The economy’s still in the shitter, and there hasn’t been a decent crab puff since 2006, so expectations are not that high.

So I show up with my bottle of wine (food and drink were assigned by alphabet), and I was STARVING. This party started at 6 p.m., so there really wasn’t proper time to get dinner before, hence I was relying on this to feed my face for the evening. Or at least until I could leave.

Lest I sit my bottle of wine down and survey the offerings: And dear readers, let me tell you, I have never seen the likes of this before… Practically everything on the table—and I mean everything—was labeled. And labeled “Vegan: Beans, carrots, celery, some MSG-free sauce” or “Vegan: No dairy, eggs, or sugar! Enjoy!” I frantically searched the deli-bought salads, the trays of apps, the home-baked platters “Mac and Cheese—No Cheese. Vegan Friendly!” for anything that looked remotely appetizing.

Smear this on your crackers. De-lish!

Nothing. But someone deigned to bring a plate of brie and crackers and, man, I dug into that like there was no tomorrow. But woman cannot live on brie and crackers alone.

When did this happen? When did being fucking Vegan rule the Earth? What’s next? We all move to Oregon and start a farm collective/tattoo artist academy? I mean, vegetarians I get, but this spread was an affront to eaters everywhere. I’ve been to parties with plenty of folks flashing their V cards before, but certainly nothing is labeled like that—and it certainly doesn’t rule the table. These asshats need to be tied down and forced to watch an Anthony Bourdain marathon.

Mmm...De-lish!

Look, people, here are the rules of the party potluck. There must be at least three or four serious foodies in attendance who will praise and celebrate a delicious meat-n-cheese sampler. Slider sandwiches—turkey, mini-hamburgers, pulled pork—of any kind are always winners.

Also, enough with the labeling. We aren’t 5 years old. Let’s have some dignity here. Make a Vegan section or Veggie section, but I’ve never been to a party before where shit is labeled to the nth degree. That’s the fun of the potluck—stick it in your mouth and see what it is! It also spurs on conversation around the table among awkward strangers—“ Do you know if this has meat in it?” Etc.

That said, enjoy your holiday parties. Just don’t label your shit like an idiot. And for God’s sake, factor in that there will be some Non-Vegans at your party, whether you like it or not.

I drink my own urine.

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