10 Things I Hate About Bradley Cooper

Last weekend, as I was killing time before a show, I wandered into a local joint called the Lock and Keel, I believe, that is like half regular people and have locals. And when I say “locals” I mean guys who work down by the docks. Literally. The docks are just down the fucking street.

See, I like, no I lovesss me some blue-collar action, but I knew upon walking into this bar that there were at least three or four Deadbeat Dads who would try to hit on me. Not the kind of Blue Collars I dig.

I sit down with plenty of space on either side of me. This dude sits right down next to me.

“Fuuuuccckkkk…he’s gonna try to talk to me,” was my immediate thought. The second was, “Fuuuuccckkk, I just ordered this beer.” And so I was going nowhere fast.

“What’s the last movie you saw?” he asked me.

“I dunno,” I said. “Bridesmaids?”

“I like the Hangover,” he said. “Hangover part one and two. Ever seen that Avatar? That’s a damn good movie.”

As Alabama Slammer (that’s what I’m calling him ’cause that’s where he was from) kept yapping on and on about how the government shouldn’t be telling people that they have to wear helmets while riding a motorcycle and how he was earning his doctorate in business on Phoenix Online, I wondered just how fast I could suck down that Dos Equis to get the fuck out of there.

Pretty fast.

Anyhoo, I turned on the Internets this a.m. to find out that…TADA…J-Lo, like every Princess Survivor from the Bronx has gotten back on the Six, no, I mean the Sex, to hook up with Hollywood’s Rebound Guy, Bradley Cooper. This guy has more secondhand A-lister jizz on him than Jenna Jameson.

But I digress. Something about him just bothers me. So I present:

10 Things I Hate About Bradley Cooper:

1. His jaw.

Now, if only there was a Brooklyn band named Crooked Jaw...

2. J-Lo.

3. Renee Zellweger.

4. The A-Team. Valentine’s Day. All About Steve?!? In fact, I can’t name one movie you’ve been in that hasn’t been crap.

5. You have one speed: Schmarmy.

6. Jen Aniston. In fact, let’s just say that I hate you because of every one of these trumped-up Hollywood relationships you’ve ever had. You social climb on successful stars like Jolie adopts adorable Third World orphans. Stop it.

7. The Hangover One. And Two.

8. You’re a wannabe Owen Wilson without the charm. The Wedding Crashers also sucked.

9. This hat:

The Douche. Can't wait for The Douche Two to come out.

10. The fact that I’d probably have an irrepressible, overwhelming, innate urge to hate fuck you if I ever met you in real life.

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “10 Things I Hate About Bradley Cooper

  1. Anon

    Hahaha I love you’ve even bothered to waste your time thinking about and then writing about…and then even uploading it on the internet a guy you ‘hate’. Oh dear. I also love your points why you hate him-sounds more like you are a bit jealous than hate him aaannnd the media like to create stories on people’s relationships, so maybe he isn’t quite sleeping with every girl like they say…maybe he is-who knows? But only he should really be concerned about that, not really you as obviously you so clearly hate him.

  2. Looks like a Bradley Cooper fan wandered onto the blog…

  3. helina

    you r just a hater!!! you may need to hate someone with a real reason other than the fact you hate his hat.

  4. Mike

    Bradley cooper is an annoyinng guy.

  5. Courtney

    You have no taste,hun.Hangover is awesome and he is so much better then Owen Wilson.Check his interview,he got a guy next door thing,hes laugh is goofy and he is humble.He is charming,sexy and handsome.
    You sound like a five year old saying she hates another girl.Grow up,please,and stop posting crap on internet.You have no sense of humor,you try too hard offending people.I must remind you that he is a human being.

  6. why

    I was never quite sure why I disliked him so much. Maybe it is his jaw. Either way I just don’t, ever since I saw him I felt allergic. Although I couldn’t care less, thanks, this was funny in a nice mild way.

  7. Christian

    I hate this guy too. I am not even gonna mention his name. He’s ugly, untalented, and picks the worst movies to be in.

  8. Sunny

    Wonderfully adorable and painfully human. Remarkably intelligent and well spoken yet grounded in a caring way (takes interest in others).. He looks to be loving fulfilling his ambitions and expressive and honest enough to take people there with him.through his interviews. He pulls for and helps his friends, (helps their projects) knows he is privileged but cares about people who aren’t, remembers his roots. Worst of all he seems to know that the world exists beyond Hollywood so no borders as to who’s watching and wishing him the best. He re-invents sexy and makes it a whole lot more. Totally kissable (particularly his jaw) and and ………

  9. David

    I totally agree. This guy is so earnest too. Reallllllllly bothers me. Undeserved Fame………This ugly loser is sleeping with someone to have achieved his status. Particularly hate the line about bothersome ‘nerds’ in The Hangover. Right Bradley darling, you’re a real big Jocky Wocky Hun. Oh & Don’t call us “Haters”. Remember freedom of speech? And some things in life deserve BS being called on them. Lets not let the whitewashed population dismiss our opinions as “Haters”. I’m taking a stand against this censorship. Someone has to! (FYI I’m a guy so can we start dating, I think I love you).

  10. sc

    He comes across as being so arrogant and dim. I saw an interview with him recently and there was just something about him that filled me with hate.From what I’ve seen of him he’s talent-less,vain and undeserving of the fame/praise he’s garnered. If you want to see him at his worse I’d recommend “Limitless”… Truly awful

  11. Well lets say he definitely isnt very inspiring personality and a good example for others as long as you want to learn how to be a narcissist who is unable to stay with one girlfriend probably because he is not very happy with himself either… He definitely is good looking but I am not sure whether he is using this asset for a good purpose. In this case he is wasting himself and time of others and probably he is not sure where is he heading in life (if he is even aware of that). But I suppose once you achieve fame and material security you think you have already won and that might be the case of most of the celebrities who think life is only about pleasure and hedonism. Hollywood people are very uninspiring especially these days…. They seem flat without one bit of wisdom… I think roles they are playing say also a lot. I cannot imagine someone spiritual to get roles about superficial jerks… However I am sure he is not a bad person.

  12. Michelle

    He’s a piece of shit, I hate him with every fiber in my being…die motherfucker..and btw..he really ruined The Place Beyond The Pines..the moment Ryan Gossling dies and Bradley Copper lived/continued to breath on screen..I stopped watching and deleted the movie from my computer.

  13. Stevie

    I feel the same way. 😦 I want to see American Hustle, but I probably won’t because this smarmy douche makes my skin crawl. I went (reluctantly) to see Silver Linings Playbook, (only because one of my professors said it was wonderful), and I hated every second that Douchey was on screen. Blech. Why are all his illiterate fans coming here to take up for him?? Lord.

  14. Jc

    Bradley Cooper’s face is annoying. Enough said.

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