I don’t get to watch much daytime television, but something happened this week so momentus, so culture-paradigm shifting, so worlds-colliding-and-tearing-apart that it needs to be paid attention.
And that thing is Oprah. And Oprah, you be one crazy bitch.
If you’re like me, you’ll probably remember a few years back that Oprah kicked off a season by giving her entire audience some shitty car worth about $12K*. This was an important moment in television history. Oprah has always been known for being very generous with those who are close to her—hell, she just gave her entire magazine staff $10K and an iPad for the fuck of it—but this was one of the few times she’d reached out with such a megaconsumer-based love-me gesture.
And so, for her final season, what did Oprah go and do to top herself? Why, she’s giving her entire audience of 300 a “trip to AUSTRAAAAAALIIIAAAA!” Oh, and John Travolta may or may not be piloting the plane.
Watching the footage on this is exactly what getting backstage at a Michael Bolton tour to support “Time, Love and Tenderness” circa 1991 must’ve looked like—dozens upon dozens of ramped-up middle-age, middle-class women in Land’s End sweater seats stirred into an uncontrollable frenzy of hormone therapy, self-affirmation and entitlement.
Here’s a recap of our conversation whilst screening said footage:
“The last thing in the world I’d want to do…” Roommate Jim says.
“Is be on that flight to Australia with all them crazy screaming bitches?” I said.
Oprah, there are better ways to be spending your time during the Final Countdown than spending approximately $2.8 million of Australia’s tourism budget. (Also, isn’t Australia kinda passé? I mean, the whole Crocodile Dundee and Matilda Bay wine cooler craze is so over.)
And so, I want to now address Things I Want You To Do During the 25th—and Final—Season of the Oprah Show:
• Have Steadman show his Man Pussy on live television
• Start new show for your network OWN called The Cupcake Girls: Bigger, Blacker, Uncut.
• Reprise Jackée Harry’s character Sandra on a remake of 227.
• Rim jobs.
• Lose 40 pounds. Gain it back. Bitch about your dysfunctional, unhealthy eating patterns the whole time.
• Go on a zany National Lampoon’s-style European roadtrip with Gayle. Stop in Amsterdam, enjoy live lesbian sex show, hash brownies.
• Cure cancer.
• Get this guy and this guy to Jell-O wrestle. (If anyone can do it, you can.)
• Buy three of Kate Plus Eight’s kids.
• Leave half that audience in the Australian Outback with only a liter of water, a pack of smoked beef jerky and a roll of duct tape. Film them as they try to survive.
• Scrap-booking. I really, really think you need to do more with the art of scrap-booking.
• Cryogenically freeze yourself during the final show, re-creating that scene in “The Empire Strikes Back” when Han Solo gets frozen in the carbonite. Promise to thaw yourself out in 20 years. Start the whole fucking thing all over again for a new generation of mildly depressed soccer moms with feelings of resentment and low self-worth.
Oh, and don’t forget to have a great season!
* in actuality, they were Pontiacs worth about $30K a piece, but still Pontiacs are the divorced, white-trash Mom car of choice.
All pictures by Roommate Jim