I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. Let’s go!
• Lance Armstrong: I’ve never liked you, so smug in your yellow biking gear, winning all them Tour de Frances. Then, you made everything so, so much worse—dating Sheryl Crow, your fucking ball cancer. And while cancer is no joke, you introduced those tacky yellow bracelets that every gorilla-head of average intelligence sports to show that he “cares.” (I personally correlate the number of rubber charity bracelets to compensate for a lack of a half-inch in the package below.) And always with this doping thing. Oh, and didn’t you date an Olsen twin? Go fuck yourself.
• Jesse James: All right, this isn’t really about America’s Sweetheart Who’s Not Julia Roberts. I mean, marriages fall apart. But it’s the way you went out, Cowboy. Man, you really picked some real winners there—and the Nazi posing thing is just so deplorable that it cements your status in the All-time Dickbag category. The crying on TV? Pathetic. And now? Dating another tatted-up reality star, parading around your ex’s hometown? You suck. You are indeed the ultimate cliché of the American Man who is cruising on his somewhat once-cool reputation of being hot and awesome, but is really just an insecure asshole who has to attach himself like a leech to a broad to justify your existence. I bet your motorcycle shop reeks of insecurity and Valtrex. Go fuck yourself.
• Paris Hilton. I am overjoyed that you got busted in Vegas for cocaine. But a pack of gum? Go fuck yourself.
• Tiger Woods. I know you’re coming off one of your best golfing weekends ever. But seriously, you’re still a tool. And now you just moved into an apartment in downtown New York? I didn’t imagine that NYC could get any douchier, but it’s happened. Thanks for that! Go fuck yourself.
• Oh, and that chick you were fucking? Well, she just bought herself a $2 million pad on Park Ave. Ain’t that America? Where’s my little pink house? I can’t believe I wasted all this time on schooling and hard work and coming up with “creative” ideas, when I should’ve been pursuing the tried-and-true method of fucking a multimillionaire and basically blackmailing him into giving me tons of money. Hey, Rachel, go fuck yourself.
• Glenn Beck.
• BP. Granted this is not a person, per se, but holy shit, every morning when I turn on MSNBC, isn’t there just a parade of BP commercials on, talking about how the oil spill has been stopped and how they’re working hard—real locals who are from the region, making a living and loving their hometowns and families, just like you B&B owner, shrimp boater, dead sea turtle!—in the Gulf to make things right. You know what BP? You goddamn better be doing everything within your disgusting powers to make things right. But to run a series of these commercials, that makes it seem like everything is just almost, almost back to normal? That’s downright insulting. Shut the fuck up. Oh, and go fuck yourself.