Hey, Fellas, Please Don’t Do These Things on the Internets

This was in my Ok Cupid inbox. The one I haven’t checked for the entire month of August:

Hello potential girlfriend! I truly enjoyed reading your profile, you sound honest and genuine thats truly sexy in my book! It doesn’t hurt that you are gorgeous as well. I’m wondering if you might like to get to know one another over dinner or drinks this week sometime? Or brunch and a bike ride? Our possibilities are endless! Regardless I’m anticipating hearing from you soon.
Robert
917 XXX XXXX

Once I stopped laughing from the line “Hello potential girlfriend!” (and I laughed a long, long time) I marveled at this approach, the general cover letter approach. You just know this guy mustered these paltry 50 some words together and just fires it out at about 80 chicks per night, blanketing the Internets looking for “potential girlfriends.”

Online dating. I’ve decide to quit because I have never had a relationship develop from an online date. Also, combing the Internets for ass is taking away the one basic thing I pride myself on—completely sizing up and profiling other people in under 15 seconds.

Also, this article came out today in the NY Post on online dating, including this factoid: “Women’s desirability peaks age 21.”

Or, as Patton Oswalt says in his comedy routine, “Werewolves and Lollipops,” about turning 19: “Ah, it’s kinda wistful…41-year-old guys don’t want to fuck you anymore, ladies, it’s all downhill.”

But, fellas, if search for potential girlfriends, or troll for supplemental ass online, you must, here are some tips:

1. Don’t post a picture of your dick. Or your naked, headless body so we can marvel at your awesome pecs. Just put your junk away.

2. Don’t use exclamation points.

3. Same goes with emoticons, LOL-ing or anything that could be considered cloying or cute.

4. Unless you’re on Adult Friend Finder, don’t make explicit references to putting your body parts in someone else’s space while planning a date.*

5. I think this goes without saying, but don’t use a pic that has you 10 years younger/50 pounds lighter, then show up and not be those things. That sucks.

6. Don’t say you’re bisexual, dig Lady Gaga and expect a straight girl to take you seriously.

7. Bring her any sort of art and/or craft and/or pillow that you have stitched/glued together specifically for her. On your first date.**

8. Don’t be the creepy married/committed guy with no profile pic who IMs.

9. Don’t say you’re in a “creative” profession and make under $30K. Even if you do.

10. As long as we’re on that topic, don’t say that you’re an actor/musician/artist unless you actually make a feasible living doing these things.

11. Don’t work in hedge funds. (Translation: asshole at best; serial killer at worst)

12. Don’t be gay and masquerading as a straight man online. (Born-again Christians, I’m looking at you.)***

* I texted a guy about going out: “Let’s hang out, get a beer, or a sandwich. Or a beer and a sandwich.” He texted back: “haha, as long as I get to eat you.”
** Some guy, who seemed completely normal, showed up, and turned out to be a super-creepy, hippy-type dude instead of the rocker-type dude I had pictured online. “So, I brought you something,” he said, going into his hemp sack to pull something out. At this point I was backing away from him because I was pretty sure it was a butcher knife, gun or hacky sack. He pulls out this red heart-shaped pillow with my name stitched on the front with white letters that looks like a drunk eighth-grader made in Home Ec class. The “M, O, L” are really big and take up most of the front, while he’s crammed the last “l, y” into the side of the pillow. The date ended with him wanting me to go back to the South Side of Chicago to a church he lived in as “the caretaker,” so he could give me a back massage.
***Love the gays, but if you’re living in a major metropolitan area and are 36 years old and are clearly closeted, and rave on and on during your date about supposedly looking for “the one” to settle down with and raise some puppies to make your big Latin Catholic family happy (women don’t like this either, unless they’re crazy, btw), then please just be gay already and quit wasting a straight girl’s time.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Hey, Fellas, Please Don’t Do These Things on the Internets

  1. Greg C.

    Internet dating sometimes makes bars seem like like church or the library when it comes time to meet someone.

  2. AOL chat rooms have raised a generation of spillover sexters.

  3. Brady

    “butcher knife, gun or hacky sack”

    Any of those three things can kill you.

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