I really hate to fan the flames of the He v. She debate, but I’m on a plane, bored, and I can’t afford anything in the Sky Mall catalog. Plus, I’m being forced to do this. (Ed. note: No, he’s not.)
1. Don’t say “I’m unsure about this whole Internet dating thing.” Good lord. Do you think there are little people in your TV putting on plays?
2. Your introductory message should not be “Just wanted to say hi!” Oh. Ok, then. You did that. It’s like getting an IM from your mother in a pink script font.
3. Don’t lie about your age, even if you explain why you did it in your profile. Unless you’re really looking forward to that awkward moment when you’re asked: “Why did you do that?” How’s that relationship built on trust starting out for you?
4. Don’t say you “love to laugh.” It’s like a guy saying “I like to take long shits.” This is a universal truth. Really? You love to laugh? Well, I fucking hate to laugh. I much prefer drawn-out bouts of petty arguing ending in slammed doors and the silent treatment.
5. Don’t write a paragraph (or two) that says that it’s difficult to sum yourself up in a paragraph. Guess what? It’s not. It may be fun to tell people you’re amalgam of paradoxes, but all that says is you’re pain the ass. I’m an atheistic pragmatic humanist. Do with that what you will, but you didn’t have to suffer through an entire paragraph to learn little except that I just looooove the Boston Red Sox. And to laugh!
6. Don’t say you’re just as comfortable in a dive bar as you are a fancy restaurant. Either pick the douchey finance guy or the starving artist/manchild who doesn’t bathe and wants to go dutch or always “forgets” his wallet. You can’t have it all.
7. Don’t list “Neutral Milk Hotel” as one of the bands you listen to. Really? Please. Nobody’s buying it. If that’s in regular rotation in your playlist, either (1) you’re lying, or (2) you’re totally lying. Reminds me of the time in college I tried to impress a girl by telling her I listened to Fugazi. Didn’t take her two seconds to call bullshit. I should have just been honest and said I was a Toad the Wet Sprocket-listening pussy.
8. If it’s OK for women to say “no one under 5’10” please,” then it’s OK for men to say “I humbly request to not be contacted by anyone with a Body Mass Index of over 20.” Sound absurd? I don’t begrudge anyone their preference, but this really gets on my tits, because I’m 5’8″, and I’ve been ruled out as a potential date by girls 3 inches shorter than me who need me to be taller than them on the rare occasion they wear 4-inch heels. It’s like not wanting to date girls over 4′ 10″ because I like to spontaneously break into a duck walk when the mood strikes.
9. Don’t say you want “someone who will call me on my shit.” Translation: “If you let me, I will peck and peck and peck you until you are a soggy, weeping shell of a man.”
10. Don’t post gratuitous cleavage and then say “friends first.” This is cognitive dissonance our Neanderthal brains can’t process. I just saw 75 percent of your breasts. We’re at second base already.
(Ed. note: I have violated at least three of these rules.)