Rhinebeck, N.Y., is all a twitter over the upcoming nuptials of one Chelsea Clinton and her investment banker Marc Mezvinsky this weekend and it got me to thinking…Is this a real marriage or one of those sham power-couple things? Does this little Marc kid have political aspirations? Need someone on the inside to manipulate the Fed someday? What’s Chelsea (who, creepily enough, looks pretty much like the sister of one of my asshole ex-boyfriends) gonna get out of this union?
Power Couples who stick together just for the logistics of some fucked-up situation or other—Bill and Hillary, Angelina and Brad, Bert and Ernie—are fascinating. Fascinatingly hot! It got me to thinking: I want to be part of a Power Couple. So, here are a few ideas of Power Couples I would like to be a part of:
• Mark Zuckerberg. That little Facebook asshole sure ain’t no looker, but while that kid continues to come up with ways to steal your personal information and spam the shit out of your homepage with ads for dating divorced Christian dads and going back to school to become a dental hygienist, I would have a fine time spending some of his hard-earned Internets money and partying on yachts in the Mediterranean Sea.
• Todd Phillips. Let’s face it, “The Hangover” wasn’t that funny after the first half-hour, but you’re still a major Hollywood player right now. I will write your first gross-out female comedy. You will love it. We will make $100 million.
• Justin Bieber. Hey, kid, I’ll wait. But before you have your Macaulay Culkin-type breakdown, make sure you’re socking away some cash in this here trust fund I’ve set up for you.
• Oprah. I really do think that the big O has a deal with the devil, a la Robert Johnson. And I want in on that shit.
• Mel Gibson. Hey, Mel, it’s over. No one is gonna take you at this point, but I’ve got one helluva deal for you. For the paltry sum of $20 million per year, I will allow you to call me from no fewer than 3,000 miles away and engage in a drunken tirade that lasts no more than nine minutes. I will not record it, tell anyone what you said, or write it down for posterity. I will also order you a bevy of hookers and call girls and transvestites to come over and blow you regularly before you go to sleep.