Finally, finally someone wrote me a nasty post on this blog calling me a whore. I mean, what took so long? I started writing about smoking vaginas, open-door shits and female condoms over 10 months ago and … nothing.
I love it when men—or women—bust out the “whore” card. Please, people. It doesn’t matter the quantity, it’s the quality. And if you’re getting a lot of quality, I say go with it. (On a side note, I also love it when people who bust out the “whore” card exhibit the grammar and writing skills of a third grader.)
And so, for you folks who like to bandy about the whore card, I invite you to take a break from your tea parties, gay marriage protests and midnight visits to interstate rest stops to read, in my estimation, a history of Great Women Who You Might Think Are Whores.
• Marilyn Monroe. I mean, come on! Brothers! And hot ones to boot.
• Madonna. I love Madonna and will defend her place in the canon of music/pop greatness for all eternity. “Ray of Light” is still a brilliant fucking album. And good Lord, can that woman still rock fishnets at 50.
• Catherine the Great. Smart as a whip, took over for hubby and kicked ass—expanding territories, embracing the arts, loving those loverboys—one of which was 40 years younger than her! We’ll forget about that whole horse thing.
• Elizabeth I. Also a stone-cold badass, but I guess when you grow up in a house as dysfunctional as Henry VIII’s, you learn a thing or two about self-preservation. Also played by Cate Blanchett, who is also just a stone-cold fox.
• Dita Von Teese. She’s cool and classy-looking even if she is always practically naked. Nudity is nothing to fear, folks, but celebrated. Also, being married to Marilyn Manson has to build some character.
• Lucinda Williams. Something tells me that Ms. Lucinda has seen her share of dicks on the road. Take that for what you will. Unlike many female artists, she’s pretty fearless, outspoken and just a general all-around badass. I believe if you’re dating her, you better buckle in for a bumpy ride.
• And speaking of music…the Runaways, the Donnas, L7, Betty Blowtorch (sadly this L.A. all-female rock band ended when the lead singer was killed in a car crash)…these chicks unapologetically sing about ass. They demand it, they get it, they move on. I think boys are uncomfortable with this concept, no matter how enlightened they claim to be.
• Kathy Griffin. Sure, she’s a tiny, foul-mouthed Irish redhead who wants to make sweet, sweet love to Levi Johnston, but Griffin is superhilarious. And man, can she rock a bikini.
• Katharine Hepburn. She smoked, broke curfew, swam naked—and that was just in college. Hepburn always wore the pants, and while she and the married Spencer Tracy had a thing going on for a long time, hey, I blame Catholicism. What’re you gonna do?
• Tilda Swinton. Some might say her arrangement with her husband and her boyfriend makes her a whore. But most women I know just think she’s fucking brilliant for pulling it off. Hats off, Ms. Swinton. I’d like to know how it’s done.