Twilight Eclipse this, motherfuckers!

Today, I took a break from my job as a Dunkin Donuts clerk/call girl/pre-school teacher’s assistant (I will never tell you my real job. It’s Rule One of Fight Club), to see the new Twilight movie, I believe this one is Eclipse, or the third shitty-ass book in that fucking Mormon Mom’s multibillionaire-dollar empire.

Why would a perfectly intelligent, professional, beautiful, sarcastic, bitter young woman be interested in Twilight, you might be asking yourselves? Well, it certainly wasn’t cause I read those shitty books (that came after I saw the first movie, and I quit after New Moon in disgust of the writing. I wish I had those 22 minutes of my life back). But I figured a couple hours every few months here and there is not such a sacrifice with the films, and so I press on for my fix.

I knew nothing of Twilight until two years ago when I was tutoring these kids in writing to help them get into college. I was assigned two girls—one of which I thought was a boy until about two months in the tutoring gig—so the fact that she whipped out her Twilight tickets bought in advance to show me and giggle about going to Twilight really makes sense in retrospect.

“Wow, Twilight, huh?” I said, feigning interest in those tickets. I mean, talking to kids is hard. You can’t talk about fucking, or drinking, or drugs, or…fucking. And I mean, what the hell else is there to talk about?

“Yeah! I can’t wait!” he/she told me.

I didn’t get it. At all.

Until Robert Pattinson showed up a few months later on the cover of my GQ. If I was ever going to cum in my pants while wide awake—and um, doing nothing to myself–that’s probably the closest I’ve come to it. I saw that kid. And I. Got. Interested.

(Here’s another, just cause)

So, when I found out when Twilight was gonna premiere on HBO (I’d missed it in theaters by this point), I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I got real drunk and timed my entrance into my apartment to the fucking second at midnight when it premiered. I sat on the edge of our futon, like a she-devil possessed and fucking fired up that on-demand and watched me some Twilight. Granted, I was so hammered I barely remembered any of it, only a few things: dark, shadowy shots, rain, whiny chick, Robert Pattinson in the school parking lot, Robert Pattinson in the bedroom, Robert Pattinson at the prom. Then Roommate Jim came upstairs and told me to pipe it down, “It’s like a fucking IMAX theater in here,” he complained.

Did I mention that years of rock-criticing and so forth has also rendered me slightly deaf? Also, I just like being really, really loud.

The next morning I awoke with one thought in my head: I still have Twilight for another 24 hours. I fucking fired it up again.

Fast-forward to New Moon. What a piece of shit that was. A friend and I saw it first thing in the morning before we went to work. We both walked out, like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???

So, I had reservations about plunking down my $9 for Eclipse today. But I’ll fill you in. It wasn’t that bad. But I did come to two truths before seeing any Twilight installment again to ensure that I achieve maximum enjoyment: One, I must be somewhat buzzed or high, and Two, well there really isn’t a two. Just don’t be stone-cold sober before seeing another Twilight movie.

Here’s the recap:

Beginning, oh, wait a minute, are they sitting in a field of fucking pansies? Seriously? Are they putting more makeup on Sparkle Vamp (disclaimer: I did not coin this term but will use it)?

I love Anna Kendrick, and boy did she kick ass holding her own against George Clooney in “Up in the Air.” And wow, do they really dog/dumb her down for these movies.

Wait, there’s some sort of vampire war brewing over Bella, stewed up by that red-headed vampire bitch from the first movie. Please, can we just end this sad, tired story line?

Vampires and wolves—still hating on one another.

Jacob is still going through his wolfman puberty phase. Needs Bella. She fights the feeling, until Edward pisses her off, and she takes off on a motorcycle with Jacob. Oooo. Teen Angst.

Jacob talks about “imprinting” someone, i.e. the equivalent of taking a piss on them to mark your territory. Ok, maybe not, but still. We call that Golden Showers where I come from.

Blah, blah, the vampire wars are coming.

Edward and Bella talk a lot about “changing” her over once graduation hits. Is it just me, or is Edward kind of a real big pussy in this movie?

Bella is really beginning to annoy me. Can someone explain why these incredibly hot guys are fighting over a mediocre piece of ass? Just saying.

I really can’t remember a whole lot in between here, so just going straight to hot make-out scene, and Edward proposing marriage with a pretty fucking awesome ring. Bella wants to get it on, and he says no. It’s right then that the loudmouth black guy who’s been making pretty funny comments behind me goes, “Oh, fool! Jake would’ve torn that shit up!” Agreed. What are you saving it for, homeboy?

Somehow, the plot twists in a way that makes it so the wolves and the vamps have to work together to save Bella and keep their communities safe. This means that Edward and Jacob now have to become allies to save the woman they love!

Tent scene. Bella is freezing to death and there’s no way to warm her up… except for Jake’s smoking hot bod (covered, I presume, in Axe Body Spray) that has been on display since the beginning of the movie. “Everyone knows I’m hotter,” he tells Edward. (If you have a thing for guys with no shirts on, this is your flick.) Of course, this drives Eddie wild with jealousy.

Bella realizes that she loves them both—Jacob and Edward, though she says she loves Eddie more. Hasn’t this girl ever heard of a threeway? I’m pretty sure that Lautner kid would be into it.

They fight the bad vamps, and the good vamps win with the werewolves’ help. Edward, finally, finally redeems himself as a man in beating the fuck out of the redhead who should’ve been dead a long time ago. Thank God.

Can someone also explain to me why the repulsive Dakota Fanning is playing one of the head Voltari vampires?

Jacob gets hurt pretty bad, yadda, yadda, yadda; Edward and Bella are still getting married. The end.

All in all, I left feeling vaguely satisfied…like I had a falafel sandwich when I really wanted a burrito. I feel like I’ve already had the burrito with the first Twilight movie, and I’ve been promised burritos throughout, and well, I haven’t gotten anymore burritos. And goddammit, I love burritos, so I’m hoping they kick this up a notch. Like all the other virgins out there, I’m looking forward to the supersexy vampire sex romp at the end of the series.

robert pattinson taylor lautner burrito

Photo credit: Roommate Jim

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1 Comment

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One response to “Twilight Eclipse this, motherfuckers!

  1. Erica Duryea

    Oh god, that picture. Why do they all look 12 years old? I want to go throw up now.

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