I love Bravo. Seriously. “The Real Housewives” (all seasons); “My Life on the D-List,” oh, that Kathy Griffin, she’s the shit; “Top Chef,” any and all of it, I love it. The trashier the better.
And last weekend after the business section of the “New York Times” (hey, I read things) did a story on “Bethenny Getting Married,” they dispelled how they go about interviewing folks just like me to plan their programming! Young-ish, urban professionals who like spending money on asshat-type things like cotton gingham shirts (wearing mine tomorrow!); yoga lessons (went tonight!) and expensive food (fucking love it!)! The geniuses at Bravo then build their reality shows around this world of shopping and dining and staying young-ish, toned and beautiful.
Fuck picket fences. Bravo is broadcasting to us the New American Dream, in which none of us age, and we take trips to exotic locales to fuck Divorced Hot Dads Who Buy Us Expensive Things While Pretending Not to Eat Really Delicious Food While Getting Wasted on Really Top-Shelf Alcohol.
Sign me up.
But I feel that some of the advertising on the Bravo is missing the mark. Here are things I learned about my New American Dream Self while watching Bravo tonight:
1. I will only try new crunchy cereals or chicken parts, deep-fried and molded into other chicken-looking parts, if a sassy, black woman tells me to do so.
2. I will never drink Stoli vodka because one Hugh Hefner=creepy enough. Two Hugh Hefners? You just rocketed me about 10 years closer to Menopause—and we all know how I feel about that.
3. Bringing home Bud Light is never, ever a reason to throw a party. It’s a reason to commit suicide.
4. Where’s that fucking cool-ass kid shitting himself in the jeans diaper?
5. I may not be constipated, but I sure as hell know what to buy if I get that way.
6. I don’t care how awesome the condoms are, I won’t be interrupting a great fuck session to run to the drugstore to buy more. Seriously, not a health message I want to put out there (yadda, yadda, prevent STDs and pregnancy) but I would find other shit to do to tide us over until the next Walgreens run.
7. Even though I live in the most congested, populous city with the best transportation system in America…Fuck, I want that new Mustang!
8. I really wish they’d quit using Nick Drake songs in commercials.
9. I don’t believe I’ll find a satisfying, lifelong relationship via the free chemistry.com weekend, no matter what you tell me.
10. Someone, somewhere, if you’re reading this and have any power whatsoever, please stop those god-fucking-awful Flip phone commercials with lame-ass people doing lame-ass, annoying shit and taping it for all the world to see. Some things (i.e. most things) should not be televised.
And Bravo execs, if you’re looking to cast a show about a completely mediocre life in a mediocre apartment in a mediocre neighborhood, I’m your gal. It’ll be called “Average,” and Middle America will love it. Call me.