Ok, I was going to continue my lazy-ass Netflix marathon of “Arrested Development,” but I decided that I would write something for you freeloaders instead.
It was this that got me to thinking—two comments that I still have not posted because when I read them, I was all like, in my mind, “Fucking hell, I am not a whore!”
Here they are: “lets hook up / i live here/” and “good girl , love to hear how a girls thinks/do u like the taste of cum??”
Why is it that guys think that this is something that will get a legitimate response from someone who still has all (well, almost all) their own teeth? I mean, there’s an art to this here thing we call seduction. And, for your information, Bruno, everyone tastes different.
Granted, this is from the Costa fucking Rica posts—not a post in which I’m making out with a random very large black man, feeling up Mike Myers’ doppelganger’s balls, or attempting to smoke a cigarette with my vagina. But it got me to thinking, there have been some humdingers on this here site.
Here those are:
Here’s Anti Jen on my former dickbag of a roommate, the DJ/freelance set constructor/life coach, Frenchie, who took all our furniture: “Listen, ass-butt, I’m also a DJ/freelance set constructor/life coach, and I take offense to all of the above. If you had only LISTENED and been more RECEPTIVE to the UNIVERSE, maybe you’d still have all your furniture. Ever thought of that? Ever?”
Anonymous, who wrote about scoring fake I.D.s with a gangster sporting a 9mm who loved Jewel—and hated her ex-boyfriend: “Starts punching his hand and flailing, ‘When I hear this, I just, I just want to find the motherfucker that did this to her and fucking beat his ass. Just kill him.’ ”
To Chicago Mike, who had the best comment about the Love Guru from Halloween: “Reason number one you never ask a girl to compare your penis size to another; unless you are certain that you will be King-Dong, it’s simply not worth the conversation.”
To everyone who wrote in with their worst one-night stands I laughed my ass off, but here’s some highlights:
From Jebnabi: “1) I was wasted. She was having her period.
2) She made really weird faces.
3) She had very long hairs on her breasts.
4) I was a teenager and would fuck anyone. She actually did.
5) After more than an hour I didn’t cum and she says, ‘I’m not going to finish you off.’ ”
Speaking of smoking vaginas, let’s go back to gemmiest of all gems in the comments section—Dubois. Oh, Dubois, you used to have the most random, incoherent ramblings…like someone all hopped up on codeine who’s constantly posting new pics of his cock on adultfriendfinder.com.
Here’s the Dubois hall-of-fame:
Asking if whores count (yes, they do): “Anyway, my question: Do whores, the really real kind, count?”
On fucking whores on vacation: “…So I told the wife I wanted to take a quick stroll along the river before turning in. Down onto the street I went, and the picking were extraordinary. These were lovely creatures who were pulling my by-now iron-hard cock toward their heavenly magnetic cunts… (Yes, that’s some purple prose for ya, eh).”
On shit. Seriously, shit: “What’s next? Did you once try ‘smoking anus’ but laughed a little too hard and shit yourself? (Yes, babe, I am (still fuckin’ stuck on your puff-puff poontang.) But then your roommate/lover/whatever walked in and said, ‘Fuck me! I didn’t know you were into scat!’ And then he/she drops trou and blasts out a nice, long Charleston Chew?”
Ok, the last one I laughed at.
To the Greatest Summer of All Time, or the GSAT, from JessBess: “Real optimism is buying the box of magnums.”