Living in NYC (and Vegas) and other places and working in entertainment-related media has, from time to time, put me face-to-face with some of the world’s most famous/attractive/known people. I’m gonna get all bitchy and coastal here–you people in the flyover states have no idea what you’re missing as you flip through your In Touch Weekly at the Wal-Mart.
It turns out, you’re not missing much.
Here’s the best part. Hardly anyone looks as awesome as they do in real life. In fact, meeting most celebrities has boosted my self-esteem—as in, holy shit, you are not nearly as hot as you appear on TV/Movies/Magazines. Because you have had the crap stylized/airbrushed/edited out of you.
I went to Hugh Hefner’s birthday party once when he had seven girlfriends. At one point in this surreal circle of hell, we went down a line and shook their hands and could talk to them if we wanted. Every single one of his girlfriends looked exactly the same—same body type, huge fake titties, blonde hair, tons of makeup plastered over them. In fact, they looked really trashy and bad—like strippers in Vegas after a double shift during CES look better than these chicks did. I told my friend, “Look, man, if we had boob jobs and makeup sandblasted on our faces, we’d look just like them.”
And think about it, if we all that kind of money for trainers/personal chefs/stylists, etc., couldn’t we all be rocking it?
And now, I will share a short list of celebrities I have seen/met in person. For professionalism’s sake, and I am nothing if not a professional, I am not including anyone I have A) interviewed or B) seen in concert. Nope, this is just a straight up-and-up of people I have randomly met or run into at parties.
1. A few weeks back in New York, I ran into a celebrity a day for five days straight. It was fucking weird. I saw Martha Plimpton on my Brooklyn Street (she used to fuck River Phoenix!); Mike Myers is in my hockey league; Stanley Tucci in Union Square (very dapper); Giada that Italian food network lady (absolutely no ass whatsoever); and on Wednesday? Mr. Drew Barrymore, Justin Long. I wanted to punch him in the face.
Still So Hot:
2. Here are a few NYC staples you will see if you wander around the Villages long enough: Julia Stiles (looks Ok); Agyness Deyn, that model that the Stroke guy is fucking; Chloe Sevigny (I despise her for some reason), all greasy looking; Parker Posey (very small, looked sorta trashy, like a bag lady); Marisa Tomei (hot but waaayyy too skinny). Maggie Gyllenhaal at a book party. Jon Stewart with his family, eating ice cream (adorable!).
3. Padma. On her cell phone. She was wearing these horrible platform white flip-flops! (I hate white shoes of all shape, form and caliber—the only reason to wear white shoes is if you’re a nurse.) She had the worst feet—you know those ladies who grow out their toenails, so they curl over and are kinda like dragon toes? Yep. That’s what she had crawling out of those flip-flops. And some horrible purple type color polish. Padma = Dragon Feet.
4. Jon Bon Jovi rocking it in Soho. He walked right by with a huge security guy… I was like, “Hey, that sorta looks like… Oh, wait, it is Jon Bon Jovi.” Horrible music, terrific ass.
He’s Nekkid! And Oily!
5. You’ll run into these rockers already. In fact, if I see David Byrne one more time on his bike, I’m gonna jab a stick into the spokes. Thurston Moore is really tall. Lou Reed. I’m scared of him.
6. George Clooney. Saw him filming “Burn After Reading.” Did not see Malkovich or Pitt.
7. Speaking of Malkovich, thought I was swimming next to him in a pool once. It creeped me out. Also other celebrity doppelgangers: Howard Stern (turns out it’s his Cousin, who looks exactly like him) at my gym; Pat Swayze’s brother I used to run into all the time right after Pat died (RIP), so that was weird. Oh, and I thought I was waiting on a street corner with Sam from “True Blood,” which produced a really hot-and-heavy feeling for 10 a.m. on the way to work. That boy can rock a cowboy shirt.
Shape-Shift This, Sam Merlotte:
8. I once waited in the porta-potty line with the middle kid from Hanson (the hot one) at SXSW, when Nikki Sixx walked by and the Hanson kid Fucking Freaked Out, and chased Sixx down. “Man, I’m a huge fan! Can I get a picture with you?” I watched this display go down. And goddamn, if Nikki Sixx isn’t still hot.
Looks that Kill:
9. Wes Anderson. Wears that damn corduroy suit everywhere.
10. Pamela Anderson. Surprisingly nice.
11. Tracy Ullman. Very funny. Of course.
12. Cindy Crawford. Right after she had a baby. Looked like shit in person, but goddamn if her photos didn’t look great the next day. The camera adds 10 pounds? You better fucking believe it. That’s why all these bitches are so skinny in real life.
13. Joan Jett—she so tiny and cute!
14. Sam L. Jackson—intimidating.
15. Vince Neil—a jackass.
16. Gwen Stefani—looked bitchy.
17. Celine Dion, just well, Celine Dion.
18. John Corbett, aka “Aidan” from SATC. Got to hug him. Super tall. Super sweet. Like man candy. Mmmm.
19. ‘N Sync before Justin was hot. Mandy Moore before she was Mrs. Ryan Adams. Josh Groban. Nick Carter. Destiny’s Child, including Beyonce. Faith Hill—who still remains one of the few people I’ve ever seen who was just as stunning in person as in her pictures. That’s hard to do.
20. Roommate Jim, “I’ve only seen Billy Ray Cyrus.”