A week or so ago, I posted about Numbas! What they mean, what they don’t mean, what counts and what definitely doesn’t count. In the time hence, it has sparked many differing opinions about what counts as sex and what does not.
In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost and Bill Clinton, I am here once and for all to finally settle what counts as sex and what does not. Also, since no two encounters should be considered equal, I’ve also deduced a point system—much like you pocket more cash if you hit the trifecta at the track, you should get more points for executing a more difficult sexual tryst—i.e. a threeway is worth more than that one frat guy you picked up at Señor Frogs and banged in Panama City in 1985. In fact, let’s not count that guy at all.
(Note: This pertains to per person/encounter assuming it’s a one-time encounter. So, say, I have a Boyfriend who I’ve banged about 230 times in the past year–he still counts as one. Unless we had a threesome or did something else on this list).
Man-woman, heterosexual sex: 1
Gay sex: 1
Gay sex if one guy claims to be straight: 2
Lesbian sex: 1.5
Woman-on-woman sex if one person claims to be straight but “experimenting”: 2
Woman-on-woman sex if drunk, in college and both claim to be straight and “experimenting”: -1 (you can lose points, too, for being cliché and predictable).
Man-woman-woman threeway: 3
Man-man-woman threeway: 5 (difficulty of execution means it’s worth more)
Man-man-woman threeway if the guys actually touch each other: 10 (rarely happens, even though they are dying to do so, and in fact, are just using the threeway excuse as a way to get naked with their best bud)
Parapalegic sex: 3
Sex with an animal: -2 (I’m not a fan of this ever since I read the D.H. Lawrence story about the woman banging her greyhounds, or whatever kind of dogs they were)
Donkey sex in Mexico: 3 (Only if you do it, not if you watch it)
Sex with your partner’s best friend: 2 or -2, directly proportional to how awful or awesome your significant other is.
Truck-stop sex: 2
Truck-stop sex on meth: -3
Sex while imagining your partner is someone else: -1
Anal sex: 2 or 3, pending degree of difficulty
Cheating sex: 1, but if the husband is a cop, you get a 2
Internet sex: -3
Phone sex: -2
Sex without orgasm: -.5 (If you only get halfway there, or not even close, it shouldn’t count)
Sex with a small dick/vacuous vagina: -1 (Same deal)
Sex in a van down by the river: 5
Blue-collar sex: 2
GED sex: 3
Community College sex: .5
Sex with Joan Jett’s guitar tech while wearing an eye patch: 5
Vacation sex: 2
Sex at a Sands or Beaches resort: -8
Sex with a premature ejaculator: -1 (and so annoying)
Orgy sex (more than four people): 1.5 per person involved
Fisting: One for each finger you get up there. Fist = 5!
And, like any point systems, there are some variables to be worked out. Here, Roommate Jim’s list, what he says, “I like to call the outliers.”
Bad make-out session with tooth or forehead crash: .3
Bad make-out session with too much saliva: .4
Bad make-out session with not enough saliva: .2
Nonreciprocal oral sex: .6 for receiver; .2 for giver
Reciprocal oral sex: .75
Reciprocal or nonreciprocal oral sex with not enough saliva: .4
Hand job: .5
Hand job with nondominant hand, as determined by couch position: .5
Hand job, as determined by partner’s unwillingness to give oral: .4
Quiet sex due to proximity of parents: .8
Loud sex due to proximity of parents: -2
Breast fondle with awkward bra removal: .25
Breast fondle with masterful bra removal: .4
Quiet sex due to proximity of employer: 4
Quiet sex due to proximity of congregation: -20
Discovery of pad or tampon without warning: -5
Discovery of opposite genitals than expected: -10
Sex with sports team mascot: 2
Sex while pretending your partner is a team mascot: .6
Sex with Brett Favre: 1 for girls; 5 for boys
Post-sex fist bump or high five: -2
Sex with partner who has poster of Monet’s Water Lillies : .5
Sex to Jeff Buckley’s “Grace”: 1.5
Sex to Meatloaf’s “Bat out of Hell” (I or II): Just really fuckin’ sad.
All these factors should reveal your one and only true Numba! And open your mind to a path of sexual enlightenment. As promised: 14.