I work at a place where we get a lot of free shit. So the other day, I plucked this gem out of the slush pile: “Hunting Season: A Field Guide for Targeting and Capturing the Perfect Man” by some 40-something hedge-funder who simply goes by “Elle.”
Now, the book’s premise is this: If women adapt to the “rules of deer hunting,” they can land the perfect “buck.” Being from the Midwest, surrounded by crazy men who carry credit cards to Cabela’s, I’ve actually seen deer-hunting in action, so I know a thing or two. Anything that requires swarthing myself down in camo, climbing up into a hidden treehouse at 4 a.m. with a case of Miller and a loaded 12-gauge shotgun, I’m down for.
This is nothing like that.
Let’s walk through Elle’s steps for catching that buck. First, just like deer hunting, there is a hunting season here. Elle calls this Open Season, and it stretches from April 1 to September 30, a time when men’s hormones makes them “perfect for the plucking or fucking.” So ladies, if you want to get some dicking during the cold, harsh winter months, you better line that shit up ahead of time, because Elle says absolutely no scamming on guys is allowed in the Off Season, which is a shame, because October is one of the nicest months for fucking.
Elle’s logic behind this is that the Tension Days of Thanksgiving, Christmas and so on will sabotage any happy relationship due to the pressures of Having a Good Time at All Holiday Functions. She asks, “How many fights have you had with past lovers regarding the Super Bowl or Valentine’s Day?” Um, none. Moving on…
OK! So it’s now April 1 and ladies, dust off your vaginas and start doing your kegels because it’s Open Season. Elle has two plans of attack for hunting the bucks: the Bag ‘n’ Tag (Dating. Companionship. But no One Night Stands—more on that later) and the Trophy Hunting (i.e. looking for a husband, or someone who will let you pin his balls to the wall).
But before you Bag ‘n’ Tag or bang your Trophy buck, you gotta learn some stuff. Here’s the stuff:
- Never hunt with a Posse—he’ll wanna fuck your friends instead of you.
- Set up your Kill Zones—places that you can hang alone that are target-rich environments (Sporting events! Cigar clubs! Ski lodges!) where you can easily start conversations. I personally like trolling methadone clinics, skate parks and Planned Parenthoods, where boys are anxiously smoking cigarettes and pacing outside, but that’s me.
- Make a list of your priorities, i.e., what you’re hunting for: first, second, third tier and so on, like “big dick” or “good kisser” or “likes the Crue.”
- Throw out your “corn,” or nuggets of tasty info, about stuff you really don’t care about but you make it your business to know about just because men like it, i.e. sports, Pam Anderson or hot-wing recipes. Better yet, just smear yourself in some hot-wing sauce.
Elle particularly enjoys military guys and “European men,” but she breaks down the types of guys you can meet into four categories: Sports guys, Outdoorsy guys, Philanthropist/Business guys and Rich guys. Sorry, there are no other kinds of men. And there are so many wonderful ways to meet these four guys: volunteering, cooking classes, charity events. There will be all of two guys there—and one of them will be gay. The other one will be Christian.
You need to dress nicely and smile to meet your buck, but also Elle suggests spinning a few little white fibs at this early stage of the game. No, no, settle down, nothing along the lines of “I just got tested” or “I’m on the pill” or “those bumps are nothing.” Here’s what to lie about: number of sex partners; money; weight; real hair color; what you look like in morning; spit or swallow; you own three cats, Itsy, Bitsy and Mitzy; and so on.
Now’s the important part: You got the buck, when can you fuck?
Hold on, there, you randy little tramp! If you want that buck as a Trophy on your wall, you can’t bed down with him for two months. “This includes all oral sex, anal sex and anything that resembles genital rubbing. I am a Republican. I do not play fast and loose with the definition of sex.” Well, I am a Democrat, and I do not consider oral sex, sex. And I know for reals that Mormons don’t consider anal sex, sex. So, I guess you can bend the rules as you see fit. Or just be a Republican? But then I guess you’d wanna have sex with underage pages on Capitol Hill, so maybe that’s not such a good idea…
But don’t worry, Elle’s father always said, “A lady in the kitchen, a whore in the bedroom,” so she tells us that men like oral sex. And when you do get to do the deed she’s got another stellar piece of advice. After sex, go into your bathroom all seductive like. Take a “nice, fluffy white face towel” (you should’ve purchased a stack of these by now, she says), soak it in hot water and “use the face cloth to clean his genitals, all around. …it makes your buck feel taken care of and it protects your 300-count Egyptian cotton sheets.” There’s nothing like taking out a little post-coital wash cloth to say, “I am a filthy whore, and I need to wipe my filthy whore juice off your balls” to keep your buck satisfied.
What about for you carefree ladies, who just want to bag ‘n’ tag? Well they should never confuse their hunt with “damning” one-night stands, which only means that you are a drunk slut. You don’t want to be a drunk slut, right?
Elle also lets us know that she doesn’t like wearing panties. And you should never be a slutty nurse or a slutty witch for Halloween. She prefers going as the “elaborate vampiress” and always has at least two costumes on hand to attend multiple parties. But Halloween falls during the Off Season, so don’t even think about hunting for a buck. Just look cute and smile with your girlfriends (it’s Ok to hang out with them now) and start cruising bucks and game plans for next Spring.
Because if you follow this book’s advice you are gonna be obscenely fucking horny by then.