10 Things I Hate About Porn

A week or two ago I went to the Vivid 25th anniversary party and DVD giveaway sponsored by some kind of crappy gin. Now, I love Vivid, even if they are kinda the Wal-Mart of porn—very bottom-shelf Middle America, but hey, you can always find something you want in there if you look hard enough.

Plus, Vivid has just been really, really nice to me. Their PR woman is this adorable little grandma who just hands out free bags of porn, and she never forgets a name.

So, the day after the party, Roommate Jim and I both received this special 25th anniversary DVD that featured a lot of their famous scenes from pornos spanning the last three decades. Hoo-rah! I was running short on material. This was just what I needed—and I didn’t even have to pay for it!

“What’d you think of the porn?” I asked Roommate Jim the next day.

“Oh, my God,” he said. “It sucked! I kept just skipping scenes to the next one, trying to find a decent one.”

“Me too!” I said, then paused. “I like that both of us have had this porn less than 24 hours, and we’ve both screened it.”

That said, we’re a class bunch over here on Douglass St., and back in the day, I used to be a critic of sorts. There’s stuff about porn that has always bothered me, so I decided to put my little asshole critic hat back on and do some fucking criticizing.

Here, I present, 10 Things I Hate About Porn:

  1. The men. I have come to peace with the over-gelled hair, the disgusting Golds Gym muscled-up bodies and the bad tattoos. But, as I watching “Debbie Does Dallas Again,” I noticed in a three-couple scene, which was supposedly shot in hell, that while some meathead was jizzing all over some chick’s back—he had on white tennis shoes and white athletic socks. Really? In hell? Take your fucking shoes and socks off.
  2. Shaved balls.
  3. Titty slapping. I was watching a girl-on-girl scene and one chick just kept slapping the other girls’ titties. Now, suck ‘em, lick ‘em, massage ‘em around, but I swear to God if anyone slapped my titties? They’d have an ass-kicking coming.
  4. Spitting. I know that this is lube in a pinch—and a damn good one at that. But there’s a way to do it without sounding like you’re in the fourth quarter of the NBA finals. Tone it down, square on your target and just let that spit slide—quietly—you don’t need to act like you’re taking someone’s eye out with it.
  5. Bad boob jobs. Dimples, ripples, rumples. Yep, gross.
  6. Angry fuckers! I mean not excited, like, “Yeah! I’m getting pummeled by some big dick!” No, like screaming, yelling, angry like you’re gonna rip someone’s head off. I once listened to a roommate fuck her boyfriend, screaming, “Come on! Come on! Come on!” like they were, once again, in some sort of NFL playoff situation—she was literally berating him into an orgasm. Hey, you’re supposed to be happy! You’re getting fucked! Act like it!
  7. And watch it with that BJ face. A little goes a looonnngg way.
  8. Girls who pretend that sucking off dildos is like the real thing. Honey, it isn’t. And it never will be.
  9. Here’s some nitpicking. I watched a threesome on a teeny-tiny thin pathetic little blanket in an outside park with three women who looked uncomfortable as hell the whole time. Hey, Vivid, I know you had a better budget than this in the ’90s.
  10. Half hard-ons. Guys, I know it’s difficult and tiring, and the women are the Real Stars and it’s been a long, long day. But half-mast is still half-mast—and it’s a real buzz kill.

Got anything you hate about porn? Please leave in comments.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

One response to “10 Things I Hate About Porn

  1. This is my new favorite blog. Keep it up girlie! So. Effing. Funny.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s