I traveled all the way to Washington Heights last night to see a friend of a friend do a DJ set. Now, this chick is way cool and a lesbian—and hence, is surrounded by lovely, supportive lesbian friends. So, it got me to thinking, is there something to this lesbian thing? I mean, for the most part, I think they’re pretty damn polite to one another and treat each other with respect, which are two of my biggest issue with guys—they can be really mean assholes quite often.
Anyway, this isn’t going to be another bitchfest about men. Honestly, I actually like—no I love guys—way more than chicks. I have a lot more male friends than female ones, because, at least on the friend-level, guys are so easy to hang out with—it’s all “let’s order some hot wings and beer and put some songs in the jukebox” easy. Women, on the other hand, can be difficult, moody, needy and just a pain in the ass. There’s a lot of mental maintenance going on there.
But I can never switch teams because this is the deal—I love men. Like love them. So, like Maria Von Trapp in the Sound of Music, I’m going to list a few of my favorite things about guys, including some of the sexiest damn moments I’ve ever experienced:
- You smell so good when you get out of the shower and you use really cheap shitty products that no woman would touch, like Coast or Irish Spring. And you are just covered in carcinogenic chemical goodness and you don’t care. I’ve purchased Coast soap to shower with it just so I can have that smell.
- And then you smell so good when you’ve been outside, sweating a little too. And inside, if you’ve been sweating and fucking. I’ve left dirty sheets go a few weeks just to keep that.
- When you act all manly like, like picking us up if we fall asleep on the couch and put us to bed? Yeah, that’s hot.
- Boys who play guitar and the harmonica at the same time always does it for me. Perhaps I have a Dylan fetish, but it proves you can multitask—and that’s a good thing.
- Flowers. Cliché, but true.
- Grease under the fingernails.
- If you have an “I’ve been attacked by a bear/shark” or similar story and survived with all your limbs.
- If you can make coffee and eggs and wash dishes all shirtless and proud. Bonus points if you can do this while smoking.
- Tattoos. But not stupid ones. You know the difference.
- You don’t care how good we are at a sport–you don’t belittle us or tell us what to do. I played pool against a guy once, who asked me if I wanted to break. I said, “No, I’m a shitty breaker.” And he said, “Well, I guess we’ll just play a shitty game of pool.” Yea, pants came off.
- Other lines? Turn to us at the bar all sexy, “Wanna close the bar with me?” Yes, yes, I want to.
- I was once out with an ex who was being a total dickbag to me all night. I noticed a hot guy at the bar, checking me out and the situation. He could tell I was miserable. So, on the way out of the bar, he slipped me a matchbook with his number that said “for a rainy day.” Well, damn, if you’ve got confidence to hit on a chick when she’s out with another one in a non-dickhead way? Hot. That’s a good time to pick us up and remind us that we have other options.
- Once had a guy take my underwear off with his teeth. Goddamn.
- I like lighting fires, but I like watching you do it even more.
- Buy condoms. You’d be surprised how many guys don’t do this. It’s inexcusable and lazy.
- You’re a good driver—relaxed, confident. Usually means you’re good at other things too.
Ok, that be it for now. I’d really like to hear some other big Man Turn-Ons from some other folks. And here’s to everyone getting some this weekend.